I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
