he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize