i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
