Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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