When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
