he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
