I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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