Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
is it fun? or sober?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
