You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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