You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
