I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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