Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
