just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
