She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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