actually, I'm a sock model
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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