my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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