the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
