oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Randomize
