I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
