I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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