Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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