Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
