If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
