If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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