Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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