I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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