The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Every concussion has its silver lining
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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