And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
