i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
