No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
