I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dear god my vagina.
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