Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we're making bets on your personal life
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize