Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
