I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
