The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize