new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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