Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
