it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
