If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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