He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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