my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was like giving head to a cactus.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
