Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize