The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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