I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
