Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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