just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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