So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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