Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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