I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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