It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
