Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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