so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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