I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
