does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
