i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
