i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
