its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
