Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
